Work it!

I’ve tried getting out of my funk by working out. Sweating out my blues. Stretching out the demons in my head. Cason has even joined me and we’ve made it a nightly thing. I had been working out a few nights, and one night I casually mentioned I needed to get off my toosh and get ready, and he asked if he could join me…of course, inwardly jumped for joy and said, “sure.”

Let me back up a bit. I’m a runner. Running is usually what gets me out of my head. But back in October, I had ankle surgery and that put an end to a lovely streak I had going. During that break, I had been on Instagram and this random woman friended me who was a Beachbody coach. I wasn’t interested but she was friendly enough. And when I say friendly enough I mean this woman chatted me up and learned I was having surgery, the night before my surgery hit me up to let me know she was sending me prayers, checked in with me every few days after my surgery and truly gave a shit in how I was doing with my progress. She never mentioned Beachbody during this time, in fact, she never mentioned Beachbody ever…I had figured it out just by following her feed. She just genuinely was a sweet woman who cared enough to engage in conversation with me and was heartfelt about my wellbeing.

Right before Christmas, I thought about Cason’s health, since it was his off-season and he wasn’t doing as much activity during soccer (no PE/recess since it was Christmas break) as well as mine since I wasn’t running and the rest of the family if they were interested. I reached out to my new friend and we worked out a plan. I signed up for Beachbody, received my sign-in for online workouts and then proceeded to get sick. Mother of pearl!!! Life is an A$$H@L*. Fast forward a few weeks later and I finally felt better to workout. I did a couple by myself and then Cason joined in on his own without me prodding or even asking. Overall we are having a heck of a time because these workouts are HARD. But sweating does feel really good!

I’ve now done 8 days in a row. I know it doesn’t sound much but right now some days it is the only thing that gets me out of bed. And Cason asks me if he can work out with me so I know he is feeling positive effects from it too. He’s made comments about his weight so I try to be positive and tell him things during the workouts like, “This will make you stronger for soccer,” or “This flexibility will help strengthen your legs”.

Mentally, I’m on the right track. I’m moving my body once a day. I’m eating somewhat better. The next step is going to my doctor to discuss my mental health because I’ve suffered long enough. I know I’ve mentioned it here, and I’m trying to only be positive on this page…positive but also real. Watch out world!! Momma is getting her Happy back!

Depression is an A$$H*L@

I’ve suffered from depression a few times in my life. Most notably, twice after giving birth to my beautiful babies, which required medication to help me bounce back to my normal bubbly, happy self. But I’ve had depression before having babies and I’m pretty sure I’m going through a period now that is deeper than just feeling “blue”.

Shortly after graduating high school and turning 18, I moved away from my parents in Germany and across the world to Oklahoma. I lived in a small Army base community for 7 years and moved to the great big Oklahoma City was, believe it or not, a major culture shock. I went from having my parents very close by to not talking to them very often at all. The time difference made it difficult, and that long ago overseas calling was very expensive. When I did call, I called crying and begging to go home. That was my first bit of depression. There were days I didn’t get out of bed, attend class or eat. If it wasn’t for my roommate Rhonda, I don’t know if I would have even survived my Freshman year. She dragged me out of that tiny cell of a room more times than I wanted and forced fun upon me. She was my “happy pill”.

My second bout of depression was during my first marriage. I met him during my first year and I dropped out of college after my second year when I married him. After a few years, I went to see a therapist and he was AMAZING. After a few sessions of me talking about my dead-end job, not having any friends, feelings of worthlessness, and all the other issues in my life, he said, “I’ve heard enough.” He told me I needed to do something for me, and urged me to go back to school and finish my degree. I enrolled in the College of Liberal Studies through the University of Oklahoma. They had classes for working adults on Friday evenings and all day Saturdays. I was a nervous wreck, but I quickly found out that my classmates thought I was funny and I truly was a worthy person. I began to have a life outside of just being married to a man who essentially kept me inside of a bubble due to his own insecurities, and I felt so free for the first time since I met him. School was my “happy pill”.

After Cason was born I was in serious denial that I was depressed. I didn’t see it and didn’t recognize the signs. Even though I was crying all the time for no reason, I had erratic behaviors and mood swings, I couldn’t see how depressed I truly was. It took SEVERAL people, including co-workers, friends and family members, sitting me down and telling me how concerned they were for months before I finally went to my doctor for help. I thought I had failed as a new mother. I had all the feelings of being a terrible mother. Modern medicine is a wonder. After several dose changes…I became a new woman. Lexapro was my “happy pill”.

After BrookLynn was born it didn’t take very long to recognize the symptoms myself. I was out for a run and I had a very brief thought of “I can’t do this anymore.” The very next day I called my doctor. I continued running, eating healthy and taking Lexapro, and once again I began to feel my normal bubbly self. Lexapro again was my “happy pill”

Lately, I’ve been feeling off again. I don’t know if it’s because I had ankle surgery in October that was extremely painful and kept me from running (I’m feeling blah about myself). I don’t know if it’s because I didn’t get the much-anticipated bonus at work this Christmas that gives us a cushion around the holidays. I don’t know if it’s because the Oklahoma bipolar weather can’t decide if it going to be warm or cold. I don’t know if it is because OU’s football season is over. I don’t know if it’s because I had been sick since the Thursday before Christmas and I spend my last two vacation days in bed with the crud instead of at the movies with the babies and doing all the things I wanted to do and essentially not getting much of a holiday/vacation from work. My hope is now that I’m finally feeling like I can breathe again I can start working out, continue to eat healthier and get my happy self back. If not, I’m going to have to find another “happy pill.”